Montenegro
Rambo Amadeus- Euro NueroArtist: Like Safura before him, Rambo Amadeus needs nothing more to be amazing than the his name. but then you find out he sometimes go by the alias of Rambo Amadeus The World Mega Emporer and was a champion sailor in the Soviet era and you go "whaaaaaaaaa?" as always- the artists know how to describe themselves best- "[he is known for]wacky jazz-funk, twisted lyrics and unpredictable live acts packed with brutal satire sometimes bordering on stand-up commedy." For the classy among us, he's also written a score to Metropolis for shits and giggles. He'll start our first of many people chosen by the television studio instead of a public audience.
Song: What the absolute hell? i mean, to be fair i was warned about wacky jazz funk- but i was expecting some Was (Not was) level of spoke word. This is terrifying. there's about 9 million layers of discord in the chorus. to be fair- if he stuck to like only 3 to 5 he'd be alright- but there's sooo many layers i don't know what to do. it's like 6 different songs are being played on top of each other. He randomly goes in and out of english but non of it make sense. i feel like if you combined the look of Carlos Santana with William Beatty in Bulworth- you have the plot of this video (only the black experiance is Montenegro and Hallie Berry is a Donkey).Performance: as a studio chosen entry, we don't have a preliminary preformance to judge him from- but looking at his other live songs- i not hopeful of anything truly awesome happening. though those are some awesome"putting on my coat" dance moves around minute 2:00 combined with the sounds he makes it very Talking Heads Big suit time. (seriously- look at 3:o0-3:45 and tell me that isn't the direct influence).Best Lyric:"Blue Cave excursion tour to Zanjice. Today we have octopus "Odds: Even if he had Carlos Santana and David Byrne with him on stage it'd be a rough sell. i don't know about this one getting past semis.Suggested staging Trick: Suitcoat Dance while on the donkey....instant meme fame at least.
Iceland
Greta Salome & Jonsi - Never ForgetPerformer:A 3rd generation musician, Greta Salome started playing violin at 4. when you were attempting to wipe your own ass. she entered the Reykjavik College of Music at 14, at the same time you entered a phase where you couldn't stop scratching at all the new hairs that were growing on weird parts of your body. She's currently studying for a Master's in a technique called "complete vocal" which sounds terrifying but is actually a bullshit way of saying that the vocalist makes the noises however they want to instead of following traditional breathing techniques, which actually sounds like a great way to ruin your voice if the way you achieve those noises destroys your vocal cords. it's basically the school of music for 12 year olds who try to get grit in their voice when they audition for America's Got Talent. Those girls gotta understand you need to go through some shit to sound like Jennifer Holliday. In other news- she started posting in English on her facebook page once she knew she'd be doing the official Eurovision Song- well played.
Unfortunately, the Jonsi of this duo is not the Jonsi that is the lead singer for Sigur Ros. He's the other Icelandic music sensation... you know- the guy from Eurovision in 2004. he.looks the exact same which is odd since it's been like 10 years. sure he's lost the blond dye but- perhaps he's a vampire? his former performance is kinda adorable in that it looks like early N*Sync where every movement is awfully staged and his suit doesn't really fit, not to mention his lack of vocal control. He's won some decent awards in Iceland and played Danny Zuko in Grease, which is hilarious cause he looks totally wrong for the part. At his normal day he's totally Putzi.
The official site says he's from the largest town in Northern Iceland, which is like saying you're from the second largest town in the Upper Pennisula. (seriously, they have a little over 17k people. Sault Ste. Marie has 16.5k)
Song: If you've followed my review for the last two years- which yo haven't because i don't publicize them, you know that much like the Eurovision judges, I love me some power-strings. They both have beautiful voices and the song is very power pop with an awesome solo by Greta. There's a really wierd like 15 second silence gap which i'm hoping they cut in the live performance, along with some of the background explosions. I like the folk implications in the harmony as well. I hate to cure the song but it really does hit me in the same place my beloved Mrozinski did with Legenda, However they have one advantage in that they don't seem to try and be reaching for the more rock & fauxcore kids that Legenda did. Another plus is that they seem to have a better grasp on English than whoever wrote Mrozinski's song did. The lyrics are still cover a well-trodden area but i don't think it'll matter much.Performance: Another video only entry (no taped contest with votes to get in) All we can do is try to predict from the video. Remember how i mentioned that Jonsi might be a vampire? I don't think i was that far off as during the first part of the video i thought i was watching Let the Right One In. I'm pretty pumped by the outfit choices they gave Greta though- based on her screen time and outfits they definitely understand that she wears the elaborate gorgeous dress in the partnership. We also get glimpses of the band and again, this is one of my major issues, i love it when they get the band on stage. Jonsi no longer has the rehearsed big sweeps he had in 04 but he sees to replace it with intense concentration, for example- during the inexplicable 20 second silence gap, i started getting worried the song was over- and then Jonsi made this face
Even Jonsi is confused and a bit annoyed that they're taking so long to get back to the song...and he helped develop it.Best lyric:"She mourns beneath the moonlit sky/Remembering when they said goodbye/Where‘s the one he used to know/It seems so long ago." I like this because she doesn't recognize herself through his eyes. It's really confusing and slightly chauvinistic.Odds: I'll be surprised if this doesn't make it to semis- but i've been surprised before- especially on similar sounding songs. I think the combo will work well though as Baku is hosting based on the powers of two people with zero chemisty.
Suggested Stage Trick: The video really is beautiful, even that stupid empty shed they hang out around for no reason. If they could recreate that bleak Beauty on stage it would be great. DO NOT do the aurora boreales on stage- it'll look shitty no matter what. Another direction would be to go Pirate-y and Princess Bride with it, as both the lyrics and the nation's history have a strong connection to the widow's walk kinda life of a sailor and his lady, however, this sailor's life, love, and lady is his actual lady, and not the sea. sucks to be you Brandy.
Greece
Eleftheria Eleftheriou- Aphrodisiac
Performer- While there's no evidence that this is true, i'm pretty sure bitch got a stage name. you don't just luck into a name like that. Who does bitch think she is- Humbert Humbert? She's technically a Cypriot and came in 7th at their nationals in 06 at the age of 17. But with age comes wisdom and she realized if she wanted to get bigger she'd have to get the fuck outta Cyprus so
she went to Greece for X factor, where she was kicked off early and signed to Sony Greece, which is probably a blessing in disguise cause those Idol contracts are locked up tight and dry a bitch out (right Fantasia & Reuben Studdard). She was supposed to be in the competition for Greece Nationals last year but some jerk leaked her song which DQ'd it which really, has to be the bitchest move ever. She's also in good company of Eurovision performers who have done Rent, the show that ironically won't die. She's currently with Universal Greek and "accepting music" which makes her sound like some Joss Stone type of 
girl who fucks for tracks. Lastly- based on this David LaChappelleian photo, she's all set to play Baby whenever the Dirty Dancing musical comes to Nicosia
Song: So in this video we're presented with a completely different girl who looks age appropriate- and by age appropriate i mean at least her shorts aren't completely hotpants as she does stripper moves. the song itself is pretty fun and pretty standard as far as the the Adriatic goes- Dance song with heavy folk background. It's not great but not awful. the one troubling this is that i don't think she understands what an Aphrodisiac is? Pretty fun song that seems to use somewhat heavy addiction references to talk about being in love but what can you do-kids these days with their hyperbolic nature. It gets a bit stalker-y when she starts saying that she wants his touch too much....if she knows enough to acknowledge the issue but doesn't work on it- i worry.
Performance: I love that they filmed Greecian Eurovision in the smaller atrium at the Mall of America this year. This shit is pure Tiffany circa 86'. I also admit i love this staging for what it is right now. While the boys could be dressed a little better, it works for the Mall tour vibe. She certainly has got alot of charisma with the lip-syncing and dancing. Dress is a bit hoochie in that i see her show panties constantly but ehhh what can you do. Her bling, manicure, and shoes are way too hardcore to be dancing with which makes the whole thing better since she is pulling this shit off. Whoever choreographed this gets major respect for knowing exactly how much of the dance moves she needs to do in time with the dancers and how much she can skip. This was obviously their true calling.
Speaking of True callings, can we take a minute to point out the fuller haired dancer in the white T-shirt. See Jonsi- that's how you do Danny Zuko. I say this not only as someone with great appreciation of the movie Grease, but also as someone who had a great appreciation of the Greek busboys at Pegasus Taverna in Detroit's Greektown. Zukoslioki...Call me
Best Lyric: "You make me want your Aphrodisiac"- I can't tell if this whole song is about how much Elefphante over here wants her boyfriend's oysters or if just doesn't understand that Aphrodisiac and Penis/Tongue are not interchangeable.
Odds: This is a hard one to call. normally i'd say it'd get it since greece is a fairly bigger name but it has two major issues 1. Greece is broke right now. Are people really gonna shell out the money it costs to call in and vote for Ele, Ele (ey...ey) 2.Cyprus is the natural ally for this song but it's contestant is also in the first semi so that could steal votes. This being said- i really think it's the strongest of the fun songs, as alot of the 1st semi's songs that are good tend to be the ballads.
Suggested Staging Trick: Glitz it up a bit, get a few props for the stage, better outfits for the dancers, and give Ele something shiner and a better color than beige. Maybe remove some of the more high-concept dance moves because they look a little too modern dance performance for a pop song.
Latvia
Anmary - Beautiful Song
Performer: Anmary (real name Linda Amantova) is pretty shady. Her Eurovision entry talks about how every scholar in Latvia thinks she's the greatest voice ever and has total control of her vast vocal capabilities....but her web presence is pretty dead. She has some collegiate training and claims to get gigs for her awesome voice but i don't see it anywhere else. I think she's bullshit- mainly because of ----
Song- By titling her song "Beautiful Song", Anmary may have spoken too soon. This song is the dullest shit ever. the lyrics have that "look at me get famous in front of your very eyes" story that songs love so much. but by trying to be cutesy with it, it not only lacks the vocal depth of Thea Garrett's "My Dream" or Tom Dice's "Me and My Guitar" , but also lacks any emotional connection to the music. (Note, I dislike this song so much that I actually just complemented Tom Dice. See previous posts on Eurovision if you need to understand my pure hatred of Tom Dice) Her cutesy lyrics also fall flat. The whole point of this song is that she's gonna be a one-hit wonder. She wants a song that is so ubiquitous that she can sell it to all buyers, whether it be a t.v. show or a commercial. she's basically admitting she wants to be the chorus to Fun's "We are Young" - the problem with this that she doesn't address is that even with their song on Glee and commercials, no one knows who the fuck Fun is unless you say "you know- it's that song from the Chevy Commerical" and even then they only say "oh ya" cause they don't care. I realize the career of most Eurovision contestants is short lived and superficial but my god at least have higher aims then "I was famous for a month because Ikea bought a ton of ad space during CSI:Riga".
I just wish people would realize that the formula was perfected the first time when Kelly Clarkson sang "A Moment Like This" and leave well enough alone. Instead this song comes off like Tenacious D's "Tribute"-
"All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song the greatest song in the world.
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the song we sang on that fateful night it didn't actually sound
anything like this song.
This is just a tribute! You gotta believe it!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion."
Perfomance: oh holy bullshit. Her outfit is terrible, even for being terrible on purpose. Her hat is like a cowboy hat and a traditional dutch folk hat had a baby with severe brain damage. Even when they upgrade her outfit she looks like shit. The choreography doesn't match up with the song half the time. Her ability to emote with her face seems limited to make her eyes bug out of her head. The most interesting thing about the performance is her voice. At the start, when the song calls for it to be the dullest, it's awful and she keeps hitting notes wrong, producing sharp noises and voice changes that make her sound like an amateur. Towards the end however, when she actually is allowed to sing- she gets good and you can see she's alot better than this song. Why they then chose this song for her to use is beyond me.
Funniest Lyric: "And on that day when Sir Mick Jagger phones me/Tell him, please, that I am very busy/Writing brand new songs with Paul McCartney/So sorry Mick, I'll call you back, someday I'll call you back..."A. HAHAhAhA bitch thinks either of these guys want to deal with her shitty music. Mick Jagger is only calling you so that Keith Richards can give you HIV over the phone. B. This proves how lame she is that she'd rather work with Paul McCartney instead of the Rolling Stones.
Odds: I don't think this is make it out of the semis- it's a small country, if it's lucky they can get Lithuania and Estonia to back them up in first semi since they both are in the 2nd. i don't think it's humorous enough to capture the humor vote, terrible enough to capture a kind of "vote for the worst" scenario, or entertaining enough for upbeat votes. To be perfectly honest I don't think it deserves to either.
Suggested Staging Trick: the music video tries to cover the whole journey from nobody to country beloved sweetheart and judging by that ramshackle performance from the nationals that's the aim. i think they should focus it a little more on her getting bustled through hair and wardrobe before being amazingly put together at the end (when she can actually show her voice) Cut the super tacky starting outfits as well. I wish she could just come back with a new song for the contest but alas- it's too late for that.
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