CHRISTINE DAELEK
Seriously though. Imagine the entirety of the scales part at the end of the song "Phantom of the Opera" done in Dalek monotone, great right??? right????In my despair over Poland not making it to the Semis, I knew I had to power through and bring it back so people could see what the results SHOULD be. after much searching, I found a portion of the original document, and have dedicated myself to completing my review before the second Semi starts. However, The second group is a little more interesting than the first. While there is a distinct cut off point where songs go from good to horrible without any real middle of the road choices, the number of good songs make it really hard to guess what's going to make it through. Luckily in this round the cute boys actually also make good songs so I won't have to suffer the insult of someone telling me Tom Dice is artistically better than Marcin Mrozinski in any way, shape, or form.
Warning- I'm cranky because I'm having to do this on such short notice so it's making me stay up late when it's hot outside. Some people may feel this more than others.
Lithuania
Performer: In Culto is a nice little Lithuanian band with a singer who is part Colombian. How the hell did someone from Colombia even get to Lithuania or vice versa we may never know. They are a real band, unlike bands made for eurovision, who've been around for 7 years and apparently have two pretty well received albums in Lithuania. They tried out in 2006 and came in Second in the Home contest to go to Eurovision. They all seem to dress similar and in a somewhat ironic-dated plaid outfits.
Staging: Oh- now i see why with the outfits, Ladies and Gentlemen, meet what happens when the Baltic states discover Ok Go, Like, the people even look the same. It's cute and tongue in cheek while they do their little synchronized dance routine. The fake instrument bit I'm not really a fan of. I'd rather see them play actual instruments or just not bring them up at all. The Silver Spanky Surprise at the end is amusing but in the end I don't know if just being tongue-in-cheek is going work with this powerhouse group.
The first time I heard this song I didn't really give much thought to the lyrics, because I didn't think I needed to. It's instantly fun and the kazoo makes it a great time. the chorus dominates the majority of the song which is them just repeating "Get up and dance to a Eastern European kind of funk". However, once it finally came time to find a funniest lyric I actually spent time listening instead of dancing around and realized that it's a pretty awesome complaint about the status of Their country, hell and Eastern Europe in general, in history and in the EU as under appreciated and mistreated labor for other countries. I mean, the first lyric is them acknowledging that you've already prejudged them. It's kind of brilliant to wrap it up in such a bouncy delivery you don't really notice. It's also pretty ballsy of them to directly mention they didn't want to be Soviet because Russia gets really defensive during these contests, Like when they freaked out because a gibberish lyric of Ukraine's sounds like it said "I want to see, Russia go bye." when they say they like it rough they aren't lying
Funniest Lyric: The entire song is pretty biting without really bringing it to too much attention as to the way Lithuania's been treated over the years, so I'm just gonna put the first stanza because that also makes fun of Eurovision.
"You’ve seen it all before, we ain’t got no taste, we’re all a bore.
But you should give us chance, ’cause we’re just victims of circumstance.
We’ve had it pretty tough, but that’s OK, we like it rough.
We’ll settle the score – we survived the reds and two world wars"
Odds: I'm hoping that Eastern Europe rallies around this one as a big fuck you to the rest of the competition, especially after their numbers were slaughtered in the first semi with Estonia, Lativa, Slovakia and Poland all seeing contenders be booted during the first Semi. If they could get back at the EU for kicking out their superior songs for stupid Belgium and Russia to get in this song would be a great payback.
Suggested Staging Trick: If they plan on winning this thing on camp factor I think they need to go bigger. The second stanza has an entire thing about how Eastern Europe is basically used as underpaid labor for the rest of the EU. If they could get a bunch of people in low-income job outfits to come out and ALL do the synchronized dancing thing- that would be amazing. i don't think they should all the do the Silver Spanky part at the end though. Just the band.
Armenia
Perfomer: Eva Rivas, born Valeriya Reshetnikova-Tsaturian, is already smarter than 2/3 of the music industry for realizing she would need to change that name if she ever wanted to be famous. From what I've been able to find she's a member of a really famous/well respected choir in Armenia, which is cool because who the hell celebrates choir music now adays. Her wiki picture looks like it's a movie still so I wonder if she acts as well or if she and her friend just naturally look like extras on an episode of Xena. Her wikipedia also states everyone thinks she looks like Angelina Jolie or Wonder woman,
Staging:Ummm, we start with a cult member playing a solitary flute which is kinda scary. And then this weird Don Juan Guitarist plays while Rosario Dawson comes out and starts singing and it's like "Oh nice, being in Rent didn't ruin her entirely. Didn't realize she was Armenian though, that's interesting." and they we realize it's actually Eva Rivas. Who the hell thinks that looks like Angelina Jolie? she's TOTALLY ROSARIO DAWSON. Anyway. Evario Dawvas comes out first just stands there but then she and the "band" jam out as the song gets more lively in a dress that in turn makes her look like the princess chick from a Knight's Tale. It's fun but a bit subdued. She seems much older( in a good way) than 23 with her stage presence but I guess she has been part of that choir forever. She gets a chance in the end to show of her vice a little more but this song doesn't let her powerhouse like other acts. If she can't come to the limelight before Rosario Dawson at least she can sing better than her.
Song: Now obviously this song wasn't written by her. Research shows it's written by two people with 7 Eurovision songs between them (a 1:6 split). I've bitched this whole time about songs being manufactured for the sole reason of appealing to the most people and not to be a good song all this year. However I personally love this song. I think it is another kind of show of what Eurovision should be. Not only is it a great song, but there's a nice cultural beat to it. The lyrics are about finding strength in where you came from. This all makes a nice little totally manipulated feeling of "Oh...Europe." The transition from a classical song to the dance people is done progressively and pulled off well, not a jarring jump back and forth.
Funniest Lyric: "Apricot stone, I will drop it down/ In the frozen ground/ I’ll just let it make its round" A. a stone isn't the same thing as a seed. Stone's not gonna grow into anything. B. where is this stone making it's rounds to? this imagine just makes me thing of this song.
Odds: I think this song will probably make it through to finals, but in the bottom half, only because I love it in the same way I loved Legenda and now I'm afraid my love is killing things.
Suggested Staging Trick: Make the musicians move closer to her. They have this little jam session thing going and I think she and the guitarist could do some good grooving together. Maybe also take the backup dancers from hiding and have them support her dancing as well. With their own good jiggling.
Song: Now obviously this song wasn't written by her. Research shows it's written by two people with 7 Eurovision songs between them (a 1:6 split). I've bitched this whole time about songs being manufactured for the sole reason of appealing to the most people and not to be a good song all this year. However I personally love this song. I think it is another kind of show of what Eurovision should be. Not only is it a great song, but there's a nice cultural beat to it. The lyrics are about finding strength in where you came from. This all makes a nice little totally manipulated feeling of "Oh...Europe." The transition from a classical song to the dance people is done progressively and pulled off well, not a jarring jump back and forth.
Funniest Lyric: "Apricot stone, I will drop it down/ In the frozen ground/ I’ll just let it make its round" A. a stone isn't the same thing as a seed. Stone's not gonna grow into anything. B. where is this stone making it's rounds to? this imagine just makes me thing of this song.
Odds: I think this song will probably make it through to finals, but in the bottom half, only because I love it in the same way I loved Legenda and now I'm afraid my love is killing things.
Suggested Staging Trick: Make the musicians move closer to her. They have this little jam session thing going and I think she and the guitarist could do some good grooving together. Maybe also take the backup dancers from hiding and have them support her dancing as well. With their own good jiggling.
Israel
Harel Skaat- Milim
Performer: Winning awards for singing since he was six, Harel Skaat is just dreamy. In 2004 he was on essentially Israeli idol and like many of his Eurovision compatriots didn’t win it. However, there was some seriously allegations about the competition being fixed in order to make bets which is kinda ridiculous. Make bets on real sports, Israel. His solo CD after that did well but, again like most of these kids who get stuck in shitty contracts, he got sued and had to not only delay his second CD but drop out of the 2009 Eurovision contest. He was voted 2nd best Male singer of the decade with the 4th best song of the decade by an Israeli television program. However, Ester Hammowitz won’t stop pointing out that, unlike her Zevi, he’s not a doctor.
Staging: the lighting on this is kind of an all eyes on me as he’s spotlit alone but by like 30 smaller individual lights coming from all over the stage. He’s got a little orchestra to the right. but presumably the cellists are the only attractive ones because they keep showing them. Piano is behind him but inexplicably far. Great use of light burst when the guitars kick in and they light up the whole stage so you can see how many people there are. The singer also has a problem with having his eyes open while he sings, as in he apparently can’t do it. It’s a shame because he seems to have great puppy dog eyes.
Song: I have no clue what he’s saying, and I’ve always found the “chk” noise in Hebrew and other languages so unnatural to use prevalently in your language, but DAMN is this a pretty song. Starts out as a slow ballad with strings and piano and explodes into full band with guitars and awesomeness but stays a ballad, just more powerful. Note the difference between a powerful ballad and a power-ballad. I powerful ballad becomes an emotional swell and burst, a power ballad is a rock and roll ballad. November Rain is a power ballad(if not the most powerful powerballad of all time). Sure it’s pretty- but it’s more about the rock than about the singing.
Funniest Lyric: “For some reason the world ‘Eloheim’ makes me giggle.
Odds: At first I thought Anti-Semites might hurt it, and then I realized that you can’t vote AGAINST something in Eurovision, only for it. Which means there might be scores of Jewish mothers around the continent seeing the cute mensch with the tiny schnoz sing his heart out and they might ask their daughters to put in a vote for him, if they weren't already going to since he is kind of hot( he tends to show off chest and arms more in real life. I mean, good looking- sure he’s not a professional in the traditional business sense of the world but he’s set to make some good money and will make really just adorable looking grand kids to dress up during Purim. Top 15.
Suggested Staging Trick: If we could somehow cover the set a million candles everywhere dripping wax all over in various stages of uses that would be amazing. Can we please do that? I don't know if it would help, it would just be so PRETTY
Denmark
Chanee & N’evergreen- In a Moment Like This
Performer: I have to admit I spent a good 5 hours or so debating which one of these singers was the female and which was the male. In the end I had to give up and it’s good I did because I was TOTALLY wrong I’ll let them introduce themselves with horrible grammar from their website.
“The duo Chanée & n'evergreen is a new constellation at the Danish music scene, consisting of two singers, composers and musicians Christina Chanée and Tomas N'evergreen. The composition of the two singers are new, but both Christina and Tomas has already for several years had careers as singers” Love that they are a constellation. I hope near Cassiopeia.
Anyway Chanee is half Danish half Thai, making her almost as hot but nowhere near as Half Danish half Chinese Sharin Foo of the Raveonettes. She’s has the weirdest set of credentials I’ve seen including something called “Nubian Fraulein” and the Kid Creole produced/composed “Marvin Gaye- The musical”
N’evergreen has worked with Michael Jackson in an unmentioned venture, I assume when he was much younger…(get it?) He is apparently an upper soviet block superstar with hits in Denmark, Ukraine, Georgia, Russian and Belarus. The two of them plan on making an actual Cd past the Eurovision contest.
Staging: The two singers begin on the opposite sides of a translucent wall so you can see shadows of each other on the other side. It’s a pretty good gimmick and the cameraman is loving it as much as I am. However they abandon the wall division by the first chorus. They just stand side by side for the majority of the rest of the song, remembering to acknowledge each other when they say You but that’s really the only time they interact. Sparklers in the back are a nice touch but the song isn’t really the kind of song for rocket sparklers
Song: Again from their increasingly hilarious website “The song was written by the Swedish team Erik Bernholm, Henrik Sethson and Thomas G:son and is a pop/rock song that reminds you of both "The Police" and the Eurovision Song Contest veterans "ABBA".” This song reminds me of neither of these two acts. If I were to combine two performers that this song reminds me of, It would be Shania Twain and Kenny Loggins (seriously- listen to that Wanna know wanna know wanna know and tell me it’s not CLASSIC Shania twain). Which is not bad. It works in a nouveau Dolly Parton/Kenny Rogers way, whose duet style/volume really needed someone to take the helm the songwriter has supposedly had 16 other songs in Eurovision. It shows for two reasons. One this song is great. it’s got a great chorus that’s nice and catchy. Two, it won’t win for the same reason that England won’t win. There’s absolutely no spontaneity to it. This writer obviously has the Eurovision formula down pat. He can write a song with a wide range of appeal but the spark is missing- no matter how big the sparks behind the people shoot.
Odds: top 15 for sure, top ten maybe. Won’t win. Like I said, there’s something missing that I think the other performers have, even if their songs were also written by random song producers (Albania, Armenia, Israel, Iceland to name a few). If these two could get their act together and look like they mean the song they’d stand a better chance- but I just don’t see it winning.
Suggested Staging Trick: These kids are voluntarily working on an album together, their voices match well, so where is the god damn physical chemistry!?!?! After that initial portion they could not look more emotionally disinterested in each other. They look like they’ve just made a contract to use the other as an ways to a means, the means being getting to sing a pretty damn good song. They need to foster some seriously stage chemistry. At least look at each other damn-it. Furthermore- her dress is hideous, change it. Lastly If you’re gonna keep the sparklers, they are gonna need to not be a football field away from them.
Switzerland
Michael von der Heide- Il Pluet de L’or
Performer: Michael Von Der Heide looks to be one of the more established musicians of the contest. Wikipedia has him at 7 records released with numerous singles. He has a hilarious looking website of him attempting to be sexy but failing because he's basically a combination of David Spade with Dustin Ian Black or whoever that kid who wrote MILK. Aka all bones and angles with something...molestory about him. Michael previously attempted to represent Germany in 1999, finishing 5th overall in the country level...traitor.
Staging: We begin with the muses from Disney's Hercules, moving to reveal our hideous ring leader. He stand there while the muses literally just wander around stage for a while. He's got the fire working in awkward marijuana shaped patterns and a bunch of balls coming down from the ceiling. When lit they look gold ( did i mention this song is called "It's raning gold?" Probably should have) but for a good portion of the song- aka not during the chorus- they aren't lit and are silver instead. They try to save this song with a good amount of fire and sarklers and fans but... just fail.
Song: I'm not sure what this song is supposed to even be. It's lyrics ( when translated), the pyrotechnics, lights, even the name all make it seem like we're supposed to be getting a really exciting disco revival of "It's Raining Men". However, the refrain is barely exciting and the delivery on the lyrics make it sound like he's going for more of an Erinque Inglasious' "Hero". This song I fear is unsaveable from it's own bored preformer. Someone who's been around for supposedly as long as he has should have a bit more stage panache than this shit.
Funniest Lyric: “it’s raining gold, this fairy tale has never been told”
Odds: this one is a stinker. I think that the other entries that are equally shitty have more people who would be willing to plug their ears and vote with their nationalities than the Swiss, so i don't see it advancing.
Suggested Staging Trick: Stick a theme and keep to it. Back up singers- put them in gold. not togas. Keep the bulbs lit gold. for god sakes it's in the name. If "It's Raining Men" all the sudden had naked women falling from the sky in the music video, it wouldn't make any sense. Same difference here. Stick to the color scheme. and get a little life into your delivery for god sakes.
Sweden
Anna Bergendahl- This is my life
Performer: Anna Bergendahl is a relatively inexperienced singer who made me sorta like her once I found out she did a decent version of "Have a Heart" by Bonnie Raitt for her Audition for Idol in 2008( Idol is what the Swedes call their version). Before this is apparently only had one live singing preformance. She only made it to top 5 but the season was bullshit anyway since the winner of that season was A. Matlese and B. already an established artist in Matla. She was signed by a label called "Lionheart International" which is part of Universal. She's cute with a decent voice and plays a nice guitar, So she has a bit of a taylor swift vibe to her. The songwriter's actually approached her as a pretty unproven person to use the song. Her debut album came out last month in Sweden.
Unfortunately, She is not Robyn, who on a bad day would still obliterate Eurovision.
Performance: She's got a pretty straightforward preformance. Kind of a female Tom Dice except you know.... talented and deserving. halway through they vaguely light her backup signers which is a nice effect. but that's about it. Her outfit is absolutely adorable. Puffy promy/skirt with black leggings and red chucks. She's really able to milk the overwhelming gratitude and happiness in her face. adorable. The backups come up closer, but don't do much more. She's either very nervous or just unable to control her vocal vibrations. She also occasionally does a Shakira "now this note is super low" thing.
Song: Smaltzy Song about it being your time. We've had so many already I can't really say much more about it. I love the phrasing of "tipping on my toes" as opposed to "going on my tip toes" which is the normal way that idea would be explained in English. Like I said before she rocks a Taylor Swift. She's not the greatest singer or guitar player, but she knows it, doesn't excede her bounds, and pulls off a great delivery of a decent song.
Funniest Lyric: "Misty moon, you’re gonna see, I’ve got your blues to get on my feet"....wtf?!
Odds: I think she should definitely advance to finals. Not close to the top though. She won't place well at finals either. Too many girls her age surpasing her in vocal abilities there for her to make much of a dent.
Suggested Staging Trick: Now that Slovakia's gone, See if you can borrow some of their woodsy imagry. the 8th grader notebook flower lighting is cute but I'd like to see it more naturey of a feel overall. going with the autumn leaves line and all.
Azerbaijan
Safura- Drip Drop
Performers: My love for Safura as a person knows no bounds. She has the fucking fiercest name in the competition EVER. Seriously, she sounds like a bad ass female lion from the Lion King who got bored with all that Hamlet shit and just killed all the side character animals before any of their songs could happen. Secondly, She’s apparently also an amazing saxphonist. Who’d of thought a good looking 17 year old should wail on the saxophone. Safura would. And so Safura did made it happen. Her parents are a professional painter and a pianist/fashion designer, which set her up for a world of awesome. She apparently likes Twilight, But I love her enough to forgive her that and blame her age. To quote the singer herself “Everyday Safura is Safura who sings.” I like that this implies that there are multiple different Safuras for each task. Shopping Safura is the Safura who has an AmEx platnium, Flight Attendent Safura is the Safura who is sick of your crying baby on this trans-atlantic flight, Crazy Dominatrix Safura is the Safura who is dropping hot wax on your eyelids while Manuel the gimp penetrates you with a pogo-stick, and so on and so on.
Staging: Her staging is pretty great. She’s got on a fucking ROCKSTAR dress that’s beautiful and ruffly with a big center slit and a group of male interpretative dancers to move around her, well first they fall but it allows them to do a fun little trick. I couldn’t really understand why she can’t move around at first. Then I saw her shoes. ‘m pretty sure those bitches are like 5 inch stelleto ankleboots, Which hot. She must weigh 6 lbs because these guys care able to lift her like she’s nothing with minimal group. In the video there’s a specific dance for the chorus but she can only do part of the hands. When she finally works up the courage to move in that skirt/dress combo she does an okay job of rocking it.
Song: Excuse my French, But this song is the motherfucking shit. This song could so EASILY be a hit in America. I’ve been singing it on the subway for a week now. Again it’s a song I’m surprised no one has tried to kill her for. I really want Lady Gaga to do a cover. I like that it’s more of an R&B(read: ok i'm not that cool, it's like beyonce) ballad than a traditional once where it’s constantly switching from vocally big to the chorus that’s more of a catchy dance time. Another song I’m totally downloading. I can’t say much more besides I totally love it and I think it could win. According the the internet This and Germany are considered the major front runners with a few others as possible upsets.
Funniest Lyric: She can’t say the word “Today” She always says it “Two Days”
Odds: this and Germany are expected to be first and second, just a matter of which is which. I think this is gunning for one and should get it because Germany's entry is just a girl lazily singing in Adele's accent.
Suggested Staging Trick: She needs the end to be a fucking torrential downpour of a storm. Maybe only over the dancers but I’d like her to be involved in it as well. She’s lucky that Poland’s “man-boy" didn’t make it because that was for sure going to use the same effect.
Also- if she’s comfortable with dancing, I loved the dress and shoes but I’d rather see her be able to move. She didn’t seem too confident on those little sticks of shoes
Ukraine
Alyosha- Sweet People
Performer: The Ukraine apparently had another issue of the the head of the competition for Ukraine just picking someone random. However, Ukraine FREAKED OUT because the person wasn't good AND they only got the role because he's a friend of the head. When the new Government came in they removed the head and held a competition for a new entrant, getting Alyosha's awkardly socially concious song. She was born right after Chernobyl and shot her entry video in a town devastated by the fallout. She takes her message really serious, but apparently people are worried she's a bit too earnest for Eurovision. She is also crazy boob-y seriously. If the Soviet Union had made their nuclear energy stations out of what she uses to keep her boobs in on a daily basis they wouldn't have had a leak in the first place.
Staging: Pretty boring. Just her standing there getting vaguely judging us all in a gold dress while the screens in the background keep showing fire burning. We get it, war and disaster are not the answer, but did it take this long for you to realize it. She wins the award for strongest wind machine so far.
Song: As it's been mentioned the song makes her sound kinda sanctimonious. However, bitch can rock a song. She definitely is rocking a Joan Osborne vibe where she can sing and she'll sing however she wants, even if it's gruff and unladylike. her Fiona Apple eyebrows kinda scare me as well. Either way. She sings pretty interestingly. I fear she looses a bit of control to hit the right note when she tries to be more forceful. I also feel like The delievery on the last refrain really should be sang more forcefully just to end on a better vibe.
Funniest Lyric: "Must you go on killing/Just to pass the time." Imagined conversation: Guy 1 "What do you want to do today" Guy 2 "I don't know, I'm bored. I can't think of anything." Guy 1" Me neither" Guy 2 "Wanna Kill someone? I mean, it's something to do." Guy 1 "Didn't we kill three people last week" Guy 2 "Ya, but I mean, whatever. Let's do this *cocks shotgun*"
Odds: It is good enough to beat out the snoozers of this semi. But if it makes it I think it will just barely. I agree with the people who worry a message song might not be the right song for Eurovision.
Suggested Staging Trick: I doubt she's gonna go for more flashy stuff, so I say just put her in front of the actual band. She already wants to sing like a real muscian, so let her be one. Don't just shove her out on her own. Give her some rocking earthy guitar and bass players. Maybe a drummer with a chin stud and an unfortunate hair cut.
The Netherlands
Sieneke- Ik Ben Verfiefd (Sha-la-lie)
I refuse to give this song a normal review because Netherlands refused to give Eurovision a real entry that had a chance of winning. These are my initial notes on the song.
"THE HELL! THE HELL.! The HELLL!. This sounds like a kids polka and fake old rock even for eurovision this is corny."
Seriously though. This song is what plays in the background intially in that nightmare where you're at the evil circus with clowns whose teeth are a little too sharp and animal trainers who keep trying ot get you to put your head in the Lion's mouth. This is the song that your drunk aunt tries to get one of the male cousins to dance with her to at weddings right after the chicken dance. This song is just fucking terrifying. According to Wiki the song was plagarized (side note: WHO WOULD WANT TO PLAGERIZE THIS) and would have been deemed illegible had they not paid the original writer off to withdraw his motion. This is for some unkown reason a big hit in the Netherlands. I can only assume the country has been overrun with middle aged mothers from the outskirts of Minnesota and Western Michigan. The girl who sings it is like 18 but they make her look terrible in the video.
Romania
Paula Seling & Ovi- Playing with Fire –
Performers: Paula Selig is another awesome woman. She’s been playing piano since six and besides winning a bunch of MTv and other awards for her singing she also is a graduate of the “Bucharest Superior School of Journalism” as opposed to that shitty inferior school. She seems to be the go to opening act if you need a filler in Romania as she’s worked with people from Beyonce to Michael Bolton. She got involved in this because she was judging the Golden Stag competition and voted for Ovidiu Cernauteanu, who said “hey- let’s work together” and so they did.
Ovidiu Cernauteanu, or Ovi, is part Norwegian, part Romanian and besides that Golden Stag win, does not seem to have made enough of an impression to merit any writings in English, which is too bad because as you see he’s energetic.
Staging: There’s so many things I feel I need to point out for this performance. That chronological order is unimportant. They play a fake two sided piano that’s two keyboards under a plexiglass table till the end when they get up and sing and dance. First off. Remember how I was bitching about Denmark needing to learn some chemistry. Basically they need to steal it from these two. They seem to actually be having fun. They don’t look like they actually want to have sex, but their cheeky flirty is great. They also have the GREATEST USE OF LEATHER EVER. Can you imagine if your body was so hot you could wear a full leather catsuit around and not look like a beached whale. She’s like Eastern European version of Elizabeth Hurley before she became a joke. And then on top of that be able to sing opera? Thank god someone finally brought out some real pyrotechnics as well. We needed this fire.
Lastly Umm--- Did you see their awkward backup singers in the outfits that match each other but have no thematic similarities with the singers? Can those backup singers PLEASE hook-up with with the Manpower 4 of Estonia during Eurovision. I believe it will be the most important collaboration in Eurovision history.
Song: This song is so catchy that it almost hurts to listen to. It’s an adorable contest of a duet. It’s the Eurovision You’re the reason our Kids Are Ugly. The two people in the song can’t really tell if they want to fuck or kill eachother and the way Ovi and Paula sell it so well you could not convince me anyone on the Eurovision Stage the same night as them are having as much fun. Not even Estonia. The English is a bit wonk but we get the idea that the passion between the people is so….heated….. that they are both meant for eachother and make for a nightmare of a relationship. It’s funny though because for all the sex they are singing about it’s a totally unsexual song. Can you imagine having sex to this? I would be laughing too hard just because the song was too fun. Paula’s opera comes out of fucking NOWHERE but it’s awesome for that breakdown part of the song.
Fuuniest lyric: Boy boy boy wanna fight? Come and spend with me the night." "Girl girl girl are you sure? (ahuh) I am here to fight, tonight”
Odds: I think this could be an upset horse. Everyone’s thinking it’s gonna be one of these solo artists who get to devote a song to showing off their pipes. However, last years winner wasn’t the most singer or most powerful. However, He was genuine, seemed to be enjoying his time and his song, and he really sold his song.It’s odd to say that by doing all of this a song could be an upset but I really think that Paula & Ovi’s ability to attract votes by having fun with a good song as opposed to being super serious could take this whole thing by surprise. From what I can tell by commenters on youtube this song seems to be in more top 5’s than anyone else ( with Turkey a close second). If people vote for this by giving certain number of votes per person instead of just one vote to who they like ( say, 1 call for 3rd fave, 2 for 2nd , and 3 for 3rd) I think it could rank up the points quicklty.
Suggested Staging Trick: Have these people not seen a Lady Gaga performance, fuse a piano together like when She was playing with Elton that and LIGHT THAT BITCH UP like when she played Speechless at the American Move Awards and was smashing empty bottles all over it (skip to 2:40 to see what I mean).
Slovenia
Ansambel Zindra & Kalamari- Na rodnozaba vni Rock
Performers: I sadly cannot find out much about either band. I assume Kalamari is the rock portion of the group and Anasamble Zindra. I know they got to have a luncheon at the ambassadors house where they learned some Norwegian from a bar owner? it was a very confusing article. Both groups names suck, either way.
Staging: They've got this Traditional Polka versus rocker set up of this song. I have a feeling the rocker keeps trying to convince the girl to come over to Rock by their intereactions. However, something about the lead singer seems, unseemly. I don't know what it is. It's like Maria from Sound of Music being courted by Roger from Rent( second rent reference, wow) but not a broadway Like a touring rendition or a third tier city where the Roger is somewhat of a more famous local singer/actor but is a bit too old for the part? essentially it's what happened when all the characters tried to reclaim their roles in the movie even though they look in their 40s instead of their 20s. The accordinist is cute at least. In the end they all get along and there's even some high fiving, but i'm not buying it. He just seems far to sleezy. Although the last shot with the girls hair all in her face, you could TOTALLY see her being a crazy rocker chick in her regular life.
Song: This song BARELY gets to be reviewed. It basically took a little bit of the horribleness of The Netherlands song out. It's still Polka/rock horrible conglomerations, but this time it's not polka/electronica/circus/screams of chidren mash up of sadness. as for being rock, this song hardcore male-ness of the song is equivilant to Grease Lightning. You can lower your voice and sing about chicks and cars as much as you want, it's still pretty fake as a real rock song and you're dancing like a dork.
Funniest Lyric: I don't even want to translate this one. So i'm just going to say every time that due to facial cues of the singers we're supposed to find this rock guy young,virile and attractive.
Odds: Pretty bad. Maybe the camp will get it votes to squeeze in but I doubt it.
Suggested Staging Trick: Have someone attractive fill in for the rocker guy who could believably cause the girl to leave her polka outfit for him.
Ireland
Niamh Kavavnaugh- It’s for You
Performer: Before we even get to this girl, It needs to be mentioned that Ireland has rocked Eurovision harder than anyone else- winning three years in a row in the nineties- so I expect good things from them. Niamh Kavanaugh is own of those triple winners, winning in 1993 with In your Eyes which, sadly, was not a cover of the Peter Gabriel song. It did launch her career, however it doesn't look like she ever had records, just a few singles? She is kinda a torch singer so I am not suprised but still, you think someone would have let her release a full album? I looked around and It really doesn't seem like she's got much. Which is sad.
Staging: Whoever was in Charge of doing her makeup and Hair needs to be fired. She looks fucking horrible. They made her forehead and eyebrows look hideous. Besides making her not attractive, the song is jsut her standing there with some backups, one who gets to play the flute. The crows is so happy the singer has stopped they applaud for the flautist. that's not a good sign.
Song: Everything about this song is lame in the original sense of being unable to work properly so the limb just sorta flops around uselessly. The lyrics are just a bunch of reassuring sentances stuck together, except the stanzas have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the refrain. The singer, who was awesome in 93, is obviously past her prime and struggles throughout the song. I think Ireland may just not have had a good entry so they just called her up and were like "hey, do you want to do this shit again?" and she literally had nothing better to do than suck it up on the world stage. Seriously- look at her original entry in the 90s( Maybe skip the weird sheep shearing documentary in the first 1:10). She's styled other than she is now and she's so really killing it with this slow-jam. I think it was plain mean to make her do this and destory her legacy.
Funniest Lyric: None of the lyrics are funny because they are just boring, which is worse than being gramatically incorrect or stupid. at least those cause feelings instead of "blah"
Odds: She better hope people give her sympathy votes for her previous entry to get her to the finals because she hasn't got a chance in hell without it unless she fixes her fucking voice and revamps the song.
Suggested Staging Trick: Dying. Right there on stage of an embollism from singing such insipid lyrics. i'd vote for this song to win then. Or entirely replacing her with that flautist everyone seems to love.
Bulgaria
Miro- Angel Si Ti
Performer: Miro is a pop singer who, after winning some young artist awards in the nineties, started a group with another singer named Gayla( seriously, noone in Bulgarian music has a last name) called KariZma. after releasing a slew of singles that descend into terrifying places (2003's was about child abuse while 2004 is just "The Killer") They finally released a real album in 2006. Since then they both have been focusing on solo projects. In the great Tradition of Male pop singers in Bulgaria, His schtick seems to focus on being a man whore and wearing leather, tight pants and baring chest. ( for more on this feature, see Azis)
Staging: We start with a man doing upside down splits on the singer's white piano which, whatever...sure. Then he proceeds to Steal the award for most powerful wind machine from Ukraine Immediately to reveal he shops alot at Armani Exchange. This song is supposed to be about How you're an angel or something but he's such a fucking campy whore that you can't take it seriously. I am also not sure if the music sucks or if it speeds up faster than the tape on purpose. They've got a whole dance troop that's trying to do impressive things when not dancing with the singer but he's hogging to much of the camera.
Song: Standard fare at this point for Eurovision, ballad turning into techno. However, maybe 14 seconds after the switch you relaize that that was the only impressive thing about the song so the rest of it is just kinda waiting for it to end. The singer doesn't sing the lyrics so much as he just talks them if it's not the "oh oh" part. Also- I'm pretty sure this whole thing is lipsynched. all in all boring
Funniest Lyric: I'm too distracted by Slut-face's slut-face to pay attention to the lyrics.
Odds: Not so great. There isn't much to the song. I think it'll end up being Slovakia and getting lost. I totally thought Slovakia was going to get lost intially and then figured that since other songs blew maybe there was room for more techno when there wasn't. I think that is what will happen to this song. No room at the inn my friend- go hang out with Netherlands. I don't understand why they don't just make Azis do Eurovision so they get the win.
Suggested Staging Trick: Wings- angels need wings for sure. Also would suggest less camera hogging on the part of Miro. They've got what seems to be a complecated dance routine back there, let them show it. OH- and have someone come in flying. That would work too. Malta's bird costume is around there somewhere. go find it.
Cyprus-
Jon Lilygreen & The Islanders- Life looks better in Spring
Performer: Awkwardly, John Lilygreen has absolutely nothing to do with Cypress. He's 100% Welsh. He and the band preform together regularly it seems and they have a Cypriot in their group, but also Scots, Brits, Norwegians, and Welsh. I don't think they have a record or major label. I'd be very surprised if this continues after Eurovision.
Staging: I'm SO happy the band gets ot play like a band in this set. They look like they all actualy know eachother instead of some randoms hired to back up John Lilygreen. However, that might just be because it looks like Cyprus doesn't have alot of money. THe staging beyond that is shit, with a projection screen playing the Apple Itunes player show. Everyone in this band is selling it though, especially Lilygreen and Silvia Strand ( that's right, I liked the pianist enough to get her correct name.
Song: Holy Fuckbombs. This son is vocal equivilant to Twilight. "TELL ME! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR STORIES!" (fun side note, title to interview done by Eurovision "John Lilygreen to tell us about his feelings). it's total sappy goodness. The lyrics are basically let's get through this dark time where we aren't together because our love and life will be so much better when we do. Kinda implied he and the woman won't get back together- but it will be so good to be able to speak to eachother again. (Life will look better in Spring) Seriously. He can even sing well and play the guitar well, unlike FUCKING TOM DICE. I HATE YOU TOM DICE! I HATE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! MROZINSKI AND I ARE COMING FOR YOU!!!! WATCH YOUR BACK! The music isn't that hard to replace but he's got great backup vocals from Strand and the actual back up vocalists.
Funniest Lyric:“time changes everything even you and I have changed.”
Odds: Even outside the pantywetting bonus- this song has total potential to take votes away from the other cute boy acts ( YOU KNOW YOU WHO ARE). This will definitely advance and place decent at the finals. They really have to hope the camera is as nice to him as it is here though- because Jon Lilygreen's cute factor definitely changes depending on his angles ( i've seen photos).
Suggested Staging Trick: Two words: Gospel.... Choir. Another act that could use stealing from Slovakia's earthy effects. At least get some other border than that stupid screensaver.
Croatia
Feminnem- Lako Je Sve
Performer: Due to the predominence of people using the term "Feminem" to refer to the rapper Eminem in a bad light, it's hard to find any info on these three ladies. Apparently in 2005 they represented Bosnia and Hersgovina and placed 14th overall, which isn't bad. I wish i could find out some info on them. but the best I can tell you is that they are pretty.
Staging: Probably the most intricate Set design behind them we've seen yet. The three women sit in similarly etheral pinkish/Champagne dresses looking like they ar all upset about the same thing. Each singer gets their own portion to sing, and they are able to stop on a dime when it's time to transition to a new singer taking front and center position. they girls are good at their synch dancing section and are masters of tossing their hair and at diva hand motions. At some point they get female dancers in suits and bras. I'm not sure why they chose that instead of male dancers but whatever. The two suits do a ballet thing in the back after they are done. The girls definitely have great energy together.
Song: We start with a beatiful song that's soft, windlike sound effects and piano, then a guitar shows up and we're all okay with the guitar. When the wooden block comes in we're starting to worry but it's still working. Then out of NOWHERE they decide to add techno beat. like, the transition they were building up to did not lead there. They are able to bring it back to a good pop ballad after a while but that part is still very disorienting They took a turn. The girls are all really great singer and while their voices blend well together they do make a good show of being like "see, our voices are different, we need all three." Like TLC (Tboz did the low voice sexy, Chili did the pretty sexy, Left eye did the hardcore rapping) except without that level of variation between them. The lyrics seem to be about them telling their collective man that they cheated on him.
Funniest Lyric: "When I'm not smiling at you I know that's when I'm making a mistake.
Because I'm just a woman who surrenders." is this man Mecca? Must you smile in his direction at all times or else you have sinned? Also- the surrendering part sounds...not healthy.
Odds: With their prior success and a pretty good song I'd say they'd hit top 15 again. This song is defintely a WORLD of better than their previous effort. It sounds ike it was written by ABBA when they were drunk. As is their hair and outfits. However that song was a little more peppy. Eurovision has such a good rep for ballads that I think it's nature won't work against it, especially since most people won't know what the lyrics are.
On a related Note: I got the lyrics from a fanfic video someone did for a CW show I've never seen before and because they assume we know these characters by their first names I'll never get to know
Suggested Staging Trick: Bigger Bed instead of the small couch. Maybe get male dancers to replace the females- they just seem out of place. Not much they can do for this one. Pyrotechnics would be out of place. I think they sell it themselves enough for it to work.
Georgia
Sopho Nizharadze- Shine
Performer: apparently Sopho's father is Turkish and met her mother while on vacation and moved to Georgia during communism so he put up with alot of shit for love which is cute. She's been a professional singer since she was 3, which is disgusting. She ran around Europe as a teen stealing other countries first place awards for young singers and then started a career doing theater and singing in Russia. When Russia and Georgia went to war for that few day period, she said screw Russia and moved back to Georgia to start a career there. This makes her awesome. She was chosen to sing by the studio in Georgia but the songs were all done by open call submissions and the public voted on the one she would do.
Staging: She's got some lame morning suited dancers who walk around her for almost a full minute before they get to dancing. They are kinda a lame version of of Safura's men. She sings a pretty song and is able to accuratly convey all the appropriate emotions, however, the song isn't that emotional until the end. They shoot some fire pyrotechnics at the end which is a horrible choice because this is not the song that uses fire. The song ends powerfully and she hits the high not but something is missing.
Song: Oh here's that something that's missing. An interesting song. Shine is great as a song to sing at the American Idols finals along with another, better song. It makes a decent 3rd single, but it's just not a super great song. U mean, Sopho tries her damndest near the end to make it interesting but by then I think it might be too late. It's just not a terribly moving song for me. I wish it was. It seems like she can really sing. I just wish Georgia had given her something better to work with.
Funniest Lyric: "Like the tide’s gonna turn you will know, when it’s cold" I thought that the moon affected the tides- not the temperture.
Odds: The first semi wasn't very nice to small nations with lukewarm ballads ( hey Malta, what's up). However, the female ballad competition is not so big here as it was there. Croatia for sure is gonna take it. But with her ability to actually control her voice she might be able to edge out Sweden and Ukraine to be second best female ballad of the night and slip unassumingly into the finals. she'll be fucking blown out of the water there by Portugal, but still. It's always nice to make it to the finals.
–6- ballad. Pretty song but the lyrics are so stupid I don’t think she has a chance against the others ballads. It’s just a list of cliches “Who can ever tell the color of a soul,”
Turkey
MaNga- We Could be the Same
Performer: maNga( or whateve ris capitalized) is a rock/rap band from Turkey that's decent for Rap/Rock. They started in 2001 and were almost instantly signed by Sony. Since then they've been featured in Turkish movies and got a spot in the FIFA 06 videogame, which is actually kinda a big deal. The band, all on the cusp or at 30, are surpisingly well rounded. The singer is getting a cinema PHD. The Guitarist is trained in piano and violin, The Drummer has degrees in Astronomy and Business Admin, and the turntable guy went to U South Florida for computers. They were selected by the channel unfortunatly, but are famous enough that they got to play 02 and wembley so I'm pretty sure they could ahve gotten the spot anyway.
Staging: Another band that gets to play like a band. They start on a huge Pyro sparkler shot which is nice, and the band has a black and white modern feel to the outfit choices. The singer just kidna walks around in between the periminter of his bandmates which is what most of real bands do anyway. their lights are a little two seizure inducing for me but if a stationary performance you kind of need it.
Song: Ok, so this is a really great song for Rock Rap, but the interesting part is that unlike the Rock/rap contribution from the first Semi that was a failure, this band mixso the two genres together well instead of blockily. What helps the most in that fusion is the fact the rapper and the singer are the same. I didn't watch the video the first time I heard the song, so I just assumed there were two guys. This guy's pretty talented to be able to pull of the two different vocal deliveries. Most people trying to make this music do not really have that diveristy. THe musicians all seem to be more talented, or at least more showy, than their Eurovision compatriots.
Funniest Lyric: " I can see that this could be faith/I can love you more than they hate" only because they HAD FATE RIGHT THERE and didn't use it. Language fail.
Odds: I think they got a good song here. I was going to say that they couldn't win however since it's Turkey and everyone would flip the fuck out since most people don't consider Turkey European (since it ISN"T! Just cause your toe is in the water doesn't mean your swimming. Just because a smidgen of your landmass is technically on the European continent doesn't make you European. Is Britain part of South America or the Carribean because they have land there? No.)
anywho- politics aside. I don't think Rock/rap is gonna win. The genre is already past it's prime to gain alot of outside votes.. These guys are lucky to be able to continue in popularity at all.
Suggested Staging Trick: They've got a pretty solid preformance going on here. Not sure I'd change much.
FINALLY DONE! UGH SO TIRED. MUST SLEEP.
Performer: The Ukraine apparently had another issue of the the head of the competition for Ukraine just picking someone random. However, Ukraine FREAKED OUT because the person wasn't good AND they only got the role because he's a friend of the head. When the new Government came in they removed the head and held a competition for a new entrant, getting Alyosha's awkardly socially concious song. She was born right after Chernobyl and shot her entry video in a town devastated by the fallout. She takes her message really serious, but apparently people are worried she's a bit too earnest for Eurovision. She is also crazy boob-y seriously. If the Soviet Union had made their nuclear energy stations out of what she uses to keep her boobs in on a daily basis they wouldn't have had a leak in the first place.
Staging: Pretty boring. Just her standing there getting vaguely judging us all in a gold dress while the screens in the background keep showing fire burning. We get it, war and disaster are not the answer, but did it take this long for you to realize it. She wins the award for strongest wind machine so far.
Song: As it's been mentioned the song makes her sound kinda sanctimonious. However, bitch can rock a song. She definitely is rocking a Joan Osborne vibe where she can sing and she'll sing however she wants, even if it's gruff and unladylike. her Fiona Apple eyebrows kinda scare me as well. Either way. She sings pretty interestingly. I fear she looses a bit of control to hit the right note when she tries to be more forceful. I also feel like The delievery on the last refrain really should be sang more forcefully just to end on a better vibe.
Funniest Lyric: "Must you go on killing/Just to pass the time." Imagined conversation: Guy 1 "What do you want to do today" Guy 2 "I don't know, I'm bored. I can't think of anything." Guy 1" Me neither" Guy 2 "Wanna Kill someone? I mean, it's something to do." Guy 1 "Didn't we kill three people last week" Guy 2 "Ya, but I mean, whatever. Let's do this *cocks shotgun*"
Odds: It is good enough to beat out the snoozers of this semi. But if it makes it I think it will just barely. I agree with the people who worry a message song might not be the right song for Eurovision.
Suggested Staging Trick: I doubt she's gonna go for more flashy stuff, so I say just put her in front of the actual band. She already wants to sing like a real muscian, so let her be one. Don't just shove her out on her own. Give her some rocking earthy guitar and bass players. Maybe a drummer with a chin stud and an unfortunate hair cut.
The Netherlands
Sieneke- Ik Ben Verfiefd (Sha-la-lie)
I refuse to give this song a normal review because Netherlands refused to give Eurovision a real entry that had a chance of winning. These are my initial notes on the song.
"THE HELL! THE HELL.! The HELLL!. This sounds like a kids polka and fake old rock even for eurovision this is corny."
Seriously though. This song is what plays in the background intially in that nightmare where you're at the evil circus with clowns whose teeth are a little too sharp and animal trainers who keep trying ot get you to put your head in the Lion's mouth. This is the song that your drunk aunt tries to get one of the male cousins to dance with her to at weddings right after the chicken dance. This song is just fucking terrifying. According to Wiki the song was plagarized (side note: WHO WOULD WANT TO PLAGERIZE THIS) and would have been deemed illegible had they not paid the original writer off to withdraw his motion. This is for some unkown reason a big hit in the Netherlands. I can only assume the country has been overrun with middle aged mothers from the outskirts of Minnesota and Western Michigan. The girl who sings it is like 18 but they make her look terrible in the video.
Romania
Paula Seling & Ovi- Playing with Fire –
Performers: Paula Selig is another awesome woman. She’s been playing piano since six and besides winning a bunch of MTv and other awards for her singing she also is a graduate of the “Bucharest Superior School of Journalism” as opposed to that shitty inferior school. She seems to be the go to opening act if you need a filler in Romania as she’s worked with people from Beyonce to Michael Bolton. She got involved in this because she was judging the Golden Stag competition and voted for Ovidiu Cernauteanu, who said “hey- let’s work together” and so they did.
Ovidiu Cernauteanu, or Ovi, is part Norwegian, part Romanian and besides that Golden Stag win, does not seem to have made enough of an impression to merit any writings in English, which is too bad because as you see he’s energetic.
Staging: There’s so many things I feel I need to point out for this performance. That chronological order is unimportant. They play a fake two sided piano that’s two keyboards under a plexiglass table till the end when they get up and sing and dance. First off. Remember how I was bitching about Denmark needing to learn some chemistry. Basically they need to steal it from these two. They seem to actually be having fun. They don’t look like they actually want to have sex, but their cheeky flirty is great. They also have the GREATEST USE OF LEATHER EVER. Can you imagine if your body was so hot you could wear a full leather catsuit around and not look like a beached whale. She’s like Eastern European version of Elizabeth Hurley before she became a joke. And then on top of that be able to sing opera? Thank god someone finally brought out some real pyrotechnics as well. We needed this fire.
Lastly Umm--- Did you see their awkward backup singers in the outfits that match each other but have no thematic similarities with the singers? Can those backup singers PLEASE hook-up with with the Manpower 4 of Estonia during Eurovision. I believe it will be the most important collaboration in Eurovision history.
Song: This song is so catchy that it almost hurts to listen to. It’s an adorable contest of a duet. It’s the Eurovision You’re the reason our Kids Are Ugly. The two people in the song can’t really tell if they want to fuck or kill eachother and the way Ovi and Paula sell it so well you could not convince me anyone on the Eurovision Stage the same night as them are having as much fun. Not even Estonia. The English is a bit wonk but we get the idea that the passion between the people is so….heated….. that they are both meant for eachother and make for a nightmare of a relationship. It’s funny though because for all the sex they are singing about it’s a totally unsexual song. Can you imagine having sex to this? I would be laughing too hard just because the song was too fun. Paula’s opera comes out of fucking NOWHERE but it’s awesome for that breakdown part of the song.
Fuuniest lyric: Boy boy boy wanna fight? Come and spend with me the night." "Girl girl girl are you sure? (ahuh) I am here to fight, tonight”
Odds: I think this could be an upset horse. Everyone’s thinking it’s gonna be one of these solo artists who get to devote a song to showing off their pipes. However, last years winner wasn’t the most singer or most powerful. However, He was genuine, seemed to be enjoying his time and his song, and he really sold his song.It’s odd to say that by doing all of this a song could be an upset but I really think that Paula & Ovi’s ability to attract votes by having fun with a good song as opposed to being super serious could take this whole thing by surprise. From what I can tell by commenters on youtube this song seems to be in more top 5’s than anyone else ( with Turkey a close second). If people vote for this by giving certain number of votes per person instead of just one vote to who they like ( say, 1 call for 3rd fave, 2 for 2nd , and 3 for 3rd) I think it could rank up the points quicklty.
Suggested Staging Trick: Have these people not seen a Lady Gaga performance, fuse a piano together like when She was playing with Elton that and LIGHT THAT BITCH UP like when she played Speechless at the American Move Awards and was smashing empty bottles all over it (skip to 2:40 to see what I mean).
Slovenia
Ansambel Zindra & Kalamari- Na rodnozaba vni Rock
Performers: I sadly cannot find out much about either band. I assume Kalamari is the rock portion of the group and Anasamble Zindra. I know they got to have a luncheon at the ambassadors house where they learned some Norwegian from a bar owner? it was a very confusing article. Both groups names suck, either way.
Staging: They've got this Traditional Polka versus rocker set up of this song. I have a feeling the rocker keeps trying to convince the girl to come over to Rock by their intereactions. However, something about the lead singer seems, unseemly. I don't know what it is. It's like Maria from Sound of Music being courted by Roger from Rent( second rent reference, wow) but not a broadway Like a touring rendition or a third tier city where the Roger is somewhat of a more famous local singer/actor but is a bit too old for the part? essentially it's what happened when all the characters tried to reclaim their roles in the movie even though they look in their 40s instead of their 20s. The accordinist is cute at least. In the end they all get along and there's even some high fiving, but i'm not buying it. He just seems far to sleezy. Although the last shot with the girls hair all in her face, you could TOTALLY see her being a crazy rocker chick in her regular life.
Song: This song BARELY gets to be reviewed. It basically took a little bit of the horribleness of The Netherlands song out. It's still Polka/rock horrible conglomerations, but this time it's not polka/electronica/circus/screams of chidren mash up of sadness. as for being rock, this song hardcore male-ness of the song is equivilant to Grease Lightning. You can lower your voice and sing about chicks and cars as much as you want, it's still pretty fake as a real rock song and you're dancing like a dork.
Funniest Lyric: I don't even want to translate this one. So i'm just going to say every time that due to facial cues of the singers we're supposed to find this rock guy young,virile and attractive.
Odds: Pretty bad. Maybe the camp will get it votes to squeeze in but I doubt it.
Suggested Staging Trick: Have someone attractive fill in for the rocker guy who could believably cause the girl to leave her polka outfit for him.
Ireland
Niamh Kavavnaugh- It’s for You
Performer: Before we even get to this girl, It needs to be mentioned that Ireland has rocked Eurovision harder than anyone else- winning three years in a row in the nineties- so I expect good things from them. Niamh Kavanaugh is own of those triple winners, winning in 1993 with In your Eyes which, sadly, was not a cover of the Peter Gabriel song. It did launch her career, however it doesn't look like she ever had records, just a few singles? She is kinda a torch singer so I am not suprised but still, you think someone would have let her release a full album? I looked around and It really doesn't seem like she's got much. Which is sad.
Staging: Whoever was in Charge of doing her makeup and Hair needs to be fired. She looks fucking horrible. They made her forehead and eyebrows look hideous. Besides making her not attractive, the song is jsut her standing there with some backups, one who gets to play the flute. The crows is so happy the singer has stopped they applaud for the flautist. that's not a good sign.
Song: Everything about this song is lame in the original sense of being unable to work properly so the limb just sorta flops around uselessly. The lyrics are just a bunch of reassuring sentances stuck together, except the stanzas have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the refrain. The singer, who was awesome in 93, is obviously past her prime and struggles throughout the song. I think Ireland may just not have had a good entry so they just called her up and were like "hey, do you want to do this shit again?" and she literally had nothing better to do than suck it up on the world stage. Seriously- look at her original entry in the 90s( Maybe skip the weird sheep shearing documentary in the first 1:10). She's styled other than she is now and she's so really killing it with this slow-jam. I think it was plain mean to make her do this and destory her legacy.
Funniest Lyric: None of the lyrics are funny because they are just boring, which is worse than being gramatically incorrect or stupid. at least those cause feelings instead of "blah"
Odds: She better hope people give her sympathy votes for her previous entry to get her to the finals because she hasn't got a chance in hell without it unless she fixes her fucking voice and revamps the song.
Suggested Staging Trick: Dying. Right there on stage of an embollism from singing such insipid lyrics. i'd vote for this song to win then. Or entirely replacing her with that flautist everyone seems to love.
Bulgaria
Miro- Angel Si Ti
Performer: Miro is a pop singer who, after winning some young artist awards in the nineties, started a group with another singer named Gayla( seriously, noone in Bulgarian music has a last name) called KariZma. after releasing a slew of singles that descend into terrifying places (2003's was about child abuse while 2004 is just "The Killer") They finally released a real album in 2006. Since then they both have been focusing on solo projects. In the great Tradition of Male pop singers in Bulgaria, His schtick seems to focus on being a man whore and wearing leather, tight pants and baring chest. ( for more on this feature, see Azis)
Staging: We start with a man doing upside down splits on the singer's white piano which, whatever...sure. Then he proceeds to Steal the award for most powerful wind machine from Ukraine Immediately to reveal he shops alot at Armani Exchange. This song is supposed to be about How you're an angel or something but he's such a fucking campy whore that you can't take it seriously. I am also not sure if the music sucks or if it speeds up faster than the tape on purpose. They've got a whole dance troop that's trying to do impressive things when not dancing with the singer but he's hogging to much of the camera.
Song: Standard fare at this point for Eurovision, ballad turning into techno. However, maybe 14 seconds after the switch you relaize that that was the only impressive thing about the song so the rest of it is just kinda waiting for it to end. The singer doesn't sing the lyrics so much as he just talks them if it's not the "oh oh" part. Also- I'm pretty sure this whole thing is lipsynched. all in all boring
Funniest Lyric: I'm too distracted by Slut-face's slut-face to pay attention to the lyrics.
Odds: Not so great. There isn't much to the song. I think it'll end up being Slovakia and getting lost. I totally thought Slovakia was going to get lost intially and then figured that since other songs blew maybe there was room for more techno when there wasn't. I think that is what will happen to this song. No room at the inn my friend- go hang out with Netherlands. I don't understand why they don't just make Azis do Eurovision so they get the win.
Suggested Staging Trick: Wings- angels need wings for sure. Also would suggest less camera hogging on the part of Miro. They've got what seems to be a complecated dance routine back there, let them show it. OH- and have someone come in flying. That would work too. Malta's bird costume is around there somewhere. go find it.
Cyprus-
Jon Lilygreen & The Islanders- Life looks better in Spring
Performer: Awkwardly, John Lilygreen has absolutely nothing to do with Cypress. He's 100% Welsh. He and the band preform together regularly it seems and they have a Cypriot in their group, but also Scots, Brits, Norwegians, and Welsh. I don't think they have a record or major label. I'd be very surprised if this continues after Eurovision.
Staging: I'm SO happy the band gets ot play like a band in this set. They look like they all actualy know eachother instead of some randoms hired to back up John Lilygreen. However, that might just be because it looks like Cyprus doesn't have alot of money. THe staging beyond that is shit, with a projection screen playing the Apple Itunes player show. Everyone in this band is selling it though, especially Lilygreen and Silvia Strand ( that's right, I liked the pianist enough to get her correct name.
Song: Holy Fuckbombs. This son is vocal equivilant to Twilight. "TELL ME! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR STORIES!" (fun side note, title to interview done by Eurovision "John Lilygreen to tell us about his feelings). it's total sappy goodness. The lyrics are basically let's get through this dark time where we aren't together because our love and life will be so much better when we do. Kinda implied he and the woman won't get back together- but it will be so good to be able to speak to eachother again. (Life will look better in Spring) Seriously. He can even sing well and play the guitar well, unlike FUCKING TOM DICE. I HATE YOU TOM DICE! I HATE YOU SOOO MUCH!!!! MROZINSKI AND I ARE COMING FOR YOU!!!! WATCH YOUR BACK! The music isn't that hard to replace but he's got great backup vocals from Strand and the actual back up vocalists.
Funniest Lyric:“time changes everything even you and I have changed.”
Odds: Even outside the pantywetting bonus- this song has total potential to take votes away from the other cute boy acts ( YOU KNOW YOU WHO ARE). This will definitely advance and place decent at the finals. They really have to hope the camera is as nice to him as it is here though- because Jon Lilygreen's cute factor definitely changes depending on his angles ( i've seen photos).
Suggested Staging Trick: Two words: Gospel.... Choir. Another act that could use stealing from Slovakia's earthy effects. At least get some other border than that stupid screensaver.
Croatia
Feminnem- Lako Je Sve
Performer: Due to the predominence of people using the term "Feminem" to refer to the rapper Eminem in a bad light, it's hard to find any info on these three ladies. Apparently in 2005 they represented Bosnia and Hersgovina and placed 14th overall, which isn't bad. I wish i could find out some info on them. but the best I can tell you is that they are pretty.
Staging: Probably the most intricate Set design behind them we've seen yet. The three women sit in similarly etheral pinkish/Champagne dresses looking like they ar all upset about the same thing. Each singer gets their own portion to sing, and they are able to stop on a dime when it's time to transition to a new singer taking front and center position. they girls are good at their synch dancing section and are masters of tossing their hair and at diva hand motions. At some point they get female dancers in suits and bras. I'm not sure why they chose that instead of male dancers but whatever. The two suits do a ballet thing in the back after they are done. The girls definitely have great energy together.
Song: We start with a beatiful song that's soft, windlike sound effects and piano, then a guitar shows up and we're all okay with the guitar. When the wooden block comes in we're starting to worry but it's still working. Then out of NOWHERE they decide to add techno beat. like, the transition they were building up to did not lead there. They are able to bring it back to a good pop ballad after a while but that part is still very disorienting They took a turn. The girls are all really great singer and while their voices blend well together they do make a good show of being like "see, our voices are different, we need all three." Like TLC (Tboz did the low voice sexy, Chili did the pretty sexy, Left eye did the hardcore rapping) except without that level of variation between them. The lyrics seem to be about them telling their collective man that they cheated on him.
Funniest Lyric: "When I'm not smiling at you I know that's when I'm making a mistake.
Because I'm just a woman who surrenders." is this man Mecca? Must you smile in his direction at all times or else you have sinned? Also- the surrendering part sounds...not healthy.
Odds: With their prior success and a pretty good song I'd say they'd hit top 15 again. This song is defintely a WORLD of better than their previous effort. It sounds ike it was written by ABBA when they were drunk. As is their hair and outfits. However that song was a little more peppy. Eurovision has such a good rep for ballads that I think it's nature won't work against it, especially since most people won't know what the lyrics are.
On a related Note: I got the lyrics from a fanfic video someone did for a CW show I've never seen before and because they assume we know these characters by their first names I'll never get to know
Suggested Staging Trick: Bigger Bed instead of the small couch. Maybe get male dancers to replace the females- they just seem out of place. Not much they can do for this one. Pyrotechnics would be out of place. I think they sell it themselves enough for it to work.
Georgia
Sopho Nizharadze- Shine
Performer: apparently Sopho's father is Turkish and met her mother while on vacation and moved to Georgia during communism so he put up with alot of shit for love which is cute. She's been a professional singer since she was 3, which is disgusting. She ran around Europe as a teen stealing other countries first place awards for young singers and then started a career doing theater and singing in Russia. When Russia and Georgia went to war for that few day period, she said screw Russia and moved back to Georgia to start a career there. This makes her awesome. She was chosen to sing by the studio in Georgia but the songs were all done by open call submissions and the public voted on the one she would do.
Staging: She's got some lame morning suited dancers who walk around her for almost a full minute before they get to dancing. They are kinda a lame version of of Safura's men. She sings a pretty song and is able to accuratly convey all the appropriate emotions, however, the song isn't that emotional until the end. They shoot some fire pyrotechnics at the end which is a horrible choice because this is not the song that uses fire. The song ends powerfully and she hits the high not but something is missing.
Song: Oh here's that something that's missing. An interesting song. Shine is great as a song to sing at the American Idols finals along with another, better song. It makes a decent 3rd single, but it's just not a super great song. U mean, Sopho tries her damndest near the end to make it interesting but by then I think it might be too late. It's just not a terribly moving song for me. I wish it was. It seems like she can really sing. I just wish Georgia had given her something better to work with.
Funniest Lyric: "Like the tide’s gonna turn you will know, when it’s cold" I thought that the moon affected the tides- not the temperture.
Odds: The first semi wasn't very nice to small nations with lukewarm ballads ( hey Malta, what's up). However, the female ballad competition is not so big here as it was there. Croatia for sure is gonna take it. But with her ability to actually control her voice she might be able to edge out Sweden and Ukraine to be second best female ballad of the night and slip unassumingly into the finals. she'll be fucking blown out of the water there by Portugal, but still. It's always nice to make it to the finals.
–6- ballad. Pretty song but the lyrics are so stupid I don’t think she has a chance against the others ballads. It’s just a list of cliches “Who can ever tell the color of a soul,”
Turkey
MaNga- We Could be the Same
Performer: maNga( or whateve ris capitalized) is a rock/rap band from Turkey that's decent for Rap/Rock. They started in 2001 and were almost instantly signed by Sony. Since then they've been featured in Turkish movies and got a spot in the FIFA 06 videogame, which is actually kinda a big deal. The band, all on the cusp or at 30, are surpisingly well rounded. The singer is getting a cinema PHD. The Guitarist is trained in piano and violin, The Drummer has degrees in Astronomy and Business Admin, and the turntable guy went to U South Florida for computers. They were selected by the channel unfortunatly, but are famous enough that they got to play 02 and wembley so I'm pretty sure they could ahve gotten the spot anyway.
Staging: Another band that gets to play like a band. They start on a huge Pyro sparkler shot which is nice, and the band has a black and white modern feel to the outfit choices. The singer just kidna walks around in between the periminter of his bandmates which is what most of real bands do anyway. their lights are a little two seizure inducing for me but if a stationary performance you kind of need it.
Song: Ok, so this is a really great song for Rock Rap, but the interesting part is that unlike the Rock/rap contribution from the first Semi that was a failure, this band mixso the two genres together well instead of blockily. What helps the most in that fusion is the fact the rapper and the singer are the same. I didn't watch the video the first time I heard the song, so I just assumed there were two guys. This guy's pretty talented to be able to pull of the two different vocal deliveries. Most people trying to make this music do not really have that diveristy. THe musicians all seem to be more talented, or at least more showy, than their Eurovision compatriots.
Funniest Lyric: " I can see that this could be faith/I can love you more than they hate" only because they HAD FATE RIGHT THERE and didn't use it. Language fail.
Odds: I think they got a good song here. I was going to say that they couldn't win however since it's Turkey and everyone would flip the fuck out since most people don't consider Turkey European (since it ISN"T! Just cause your toe is in the water doesn't mean your swimming. Just because a smidgen of your landmass is technically on the European continent doesn't make you European. Is Britain part of South America or the Carribean because they have land there? No.)
anywho- politics aside. I don't think Rock/rap is gonna win. The genre is already past it's prime to gain alot of outside votes.. These guys are lucky to be able to continue in popularity at all.
Suggested Staging Trick: They've got a pretty solid preformance going on here. Not sure I'd change much.
FINALLY DONE! UGH SO TIRED. MUST SLEEP.
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